Heebs Short Story
My brother in law, Heeb has a problem with telling stories, he wanders off subject and can be so far gone that he totally forgets the original point. As this is my week to help people understand how the rest of us feel when they do their thing, I quickly typed out this not so short story to tell to him verbatim. If you don't want to read to the end I understand.
I recently went out to Heeb's garage and moved some firewood and I got to thinking how Heeb always learns things from everything. So, I looked at this wood expanded my psyche and here is what I found.
This piece of wood had a little bit of green plastic from the wheelbarrow rubbed off on it and I thought it could have been the plastic from one of those orange coloured .22 calibre nail guns that hold the nail straight in the barrel. That would make me think that somebody tried to spike the tree to prevent it from being chopped down, but Dick W. the guy who gave it to him would have known about that, I thought. Actually, the plastic on those nails is orange which stems from a company out of Texas called Sunset Enterprises, hence the name. My pseudo uncle Ralph was married to the cousin of the youngest member of the Beemer clan out of Oklahoma, whose sister Mary Lightfoot used to sleep with the husband of the Sunset heir. After several family disputes the colour was adopted.
Speaking of adopted, I used to work with a guy whose adopted son was a distant relative of Sir William Buchanan who used to smuggle kilts out of Scotland. It is not that Sir William had a audience with royalty to get the moniker "Sir" it's because he was a tough son of a bitch that beat the hell out of anyone that didn't call him sir. His wife Clarice loved him very much but had a little trouble in the bedroom, because she couldn't stop singing an old English ballad, Is That It? whenever they made love. He didn't mind it so much, but their neighbour Mildred Highcastle who suffered from debilitating headaches really got angry and threw her chamber pot at their house every time. I don't know why she had a chamber pot as she has running water. Well it turns out that one day she missed their house and the chamber pot landed on the head of an unfortunate bloke who happened to be walking by and sustained serious head injuries. His name was Simon Monroe whose sister Evelyn used to work in a whorehouse under the alias Eve which she derived from the name of a long lost suitor, Steve Winwood
Steve was a travelling salesman who sold fetlock supports for Clydesdale horses, and charmed many a young lady out behind the barn if you know what I mean. It turns out one night old Steve met the grim reaper when one young woman's aunt Marie killed him with a shovel she purchased from a drunken McLeod's store owner Gabriel Farnsworth. Gabriel was basically a good man, but he fell victim to the demons of the drink when his beautiful schoolteacher had an affair with his half brother Roderick, who was beaten to death by the police and six school chums for telling on her. Her estranged husband at the time was in Egypt to sell a Johnson boat motor to Iranian spies, but got into serious trouble with the morality police when he said he wanted to take out his "Johnson" and show it to everybody. After several explanations from the state department he was freed on a promise to appear with Celine Dion in a series of "It Ain't Over Til The Thin Lady Sings" concerts across the Middle East.
Anyhow, I digressed a bit. When you set the wood in the stove and light it, communications come from the flames, it's uncanny. I learned flame reading from my great Uncle Donald Francis' second wife Louise whose former husband was with military intelligence in WW 2. He was a gifted man although some people were united in thinking he was a bit of a loon. Uh, then after the war he started selling paint chip filler door to door, and then uh started selling bottled tap water in Saskatchewan uh, in a roadblock sales system first, uh perfected in pre war nazi Germany. As, uh it turned out farmer Gilbert Hayes built a road which circumvented the roadblock where people got free water effectively destroying his vocation.
Rumour has it that to this day that Louise's former husband had something to do, uh with the mysterious disappearance of Gilbert Hayes. He went fishing one day with a new pole bought from Kennedy hardware where there was a clearout sale on alkyd based paint. On, uh, that day Carol Hather happened to be, uh, going by the, uh, store wher she was going to meet her lifelong friend Coral Lynn who was on her way to get a Mexican divorce from a Chinese guy.
It turns out that Coral's son never got along with with his stepfather and wanted to go back to Poland to see his Greek girlfriend Alicia Orthos who had, applied for a job as a airline stewardess on a Cessna 150 Aerobat. She suffered from illusions a bit...
Actually, I forgot where I was, oh right. I put the block of wood in the stove and let it burn.
I recently went out to Heeb's garage and moved some firewood and I got to thinking how Heeb always learns things from everything. So, I looked at this wood expanded my psyche and here is what I found.
This piece of wood had a little bit of green plastic from the wheelbarrow rubbed off on it and I thought it could have been the plastic from one of those orange coloured .22 calibre nail guns that hold the nail straight in the barrel. That would make me think that somebody tried to spike the tree to prevent it from being chopped down, but Dick W. the guy who gave it to him would have known about that, I thought. Actually, the plastic on those nails is orange which stems from a company out of Texas called Sunset Enterprises, hence the name. My pseudo uncle Ralph was married to the cousin of the youngest member of the Beemer clan out of Oklahoma, whose sister Mary Lightfoot used to sleep with the husband of the Sunset heir. After several family disputes the colour was adopted.
Speaking of adopted, I used to work with a guy whose adopted son was a distant relative of Sir William Buchanan who used to smuggle kilts out of Scotland. It is not that Sir William had a audience with royalty to get the moniker "Sir" it's because he was a tough son of a bitch that beat the hell out of anyone that didn't call him sir. His wife Clarice loved him very much but had a little trouble in the bedroom, because she couldn't stop singing an old English ballad, Is That It? whenever they made love. He didn't mind it so much, but their neighbour Mildred Highcastle who suffered from debilitating headaches really got angry and threw her chamber pot at their house every time. I don't know why she had a chamber pot as she has running water. Well it turns out that one day she missed their house and the chamber pot landed on the head of an unfortunate bloke who happened to be walking by and sustained serious head injuries. His name was Simon Monroe whose sister Evelyn used to work in a whorehouse under the alias Eve which she derived from the name of a long lost suitor, Steve Winwood
Steve was a travelling salesman who sold fetlock supports for Clydesdale horses, and charmed many a young lady out behind the barn if you know what I mean. It turns out one night old Steve met the grim reaper when one young woman's aunt Marie killed him with a shovel she purchased from a drunken McLeod's store owner Gabriel Farnsworth. Gabriel was basically a good man, but he fell victim to the demons of the drink when his beautiful schoolteacher had an affair with his half brother Roderick, who was beaten to death by the police and six school chums for telling on her. Her estranged husband at the time was in Egypt to sell a Johnson boat motor to Iranian spies, but got into serious trouble with the morality police when he said he wanted to take out his "Johnson" and show it to everybody. After several explanations from the state department he was freed on a promise to appear with Celine Dion in a series of "It Ain't Over Til The Thin Lady Sings" concerts across the Middle East.
Anyhow, I digressed a bit. When you set the wood in the stove and light it, communications come from the flames, it's uncanny. I learned flame reading from my great Uncle Donald Francis' second wife Louise whose former husband was with military intelligence in WW 2. He was a gifted man although some people were united in thinking he was a bit of a loon. Uh, then after the war he started selling paint chip filler door to door, and then uh started selling bottled tap water in Saskatchewan uh, in a roadblock sales system first, uh perfected in pre war nazi Germany. As, uh it turned out farmer Gilbert Hayes built a road which circumvented the roadblock where people got free water effectively destroying his vocation.
Rumour has it that to this day that Louise's former husband had something to do, uh with the mysterious disappearance of Gilbert Hayes. He went fishing one day with a new pole bought from Kennedy hardware where there was a clearout sale on alkyd based paint. On, uh, that day Carol Hather happened to be, uh, going by the, uh, store wher she was going to meet her lifelong friend Coral Lynn who was on her way to get a Mexican divorce from a Chinese guy.
It turns out that Coral's son never got along with with his stepfather and wanted to go back to Poland to see his Greek girlfriend Alicia Orthos who had, applied for a job as a airline stewardess on a Cessna 150 Aerobat. She suffered from illusions a bit...
Actually, I forgot where I was, oh right. I put the block of wood in the stove and let it burn.
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